Staff Bios and Charicatures

Moose P.S.S.M. – Process Server Screening Manager

Moose is absurdly incompetent at deciphering between bums peeing on our front door, process servers, or the FedEx man. You do the deed, you risk the 4 pound gremlin wrath of the Moosemyster. You can often hear the Moose in the background yapping at someone walking by. If you hear a prolonged silence on the other end of the phone, it may just be that we are trying to compose ourselves as Moose yaps at a bum changing their wardrobe in front of our mirrored glass doors in the portico storefront. Moose – Customer Service

Moose is the coolest dog in Spokane, period.

Timothy E.M.C.D – Early Morning Chair Duster

Bio: Timothy is utterly incompetent at testing websites for errors after making them look pretty. He is often found wasting his time chasing his tail around errors of his own brilliance. He has consistently created beautiful websites that would be easy to use if the buttons or menu worked. Kind of like a beautifully restored hot rod that had the steering wheel overlooked.
Timothy – Customer Service

Tim drew 2-3 of these pro sketches a day! Need we say more?

Dan C.I.O. – Chief Incompetent Officer

Bio: Dan is insanely incompetent at communicating written or verbal concise thoughts. He is often found rambling to staff and clients about random bits of business information that the general public would find completely boring and useless. He has wasted quite a bit of our clients' time and our staffs. We often find Dan complaining about his computer running slow with 25 windows open, his email not working, and telling the IT department to "Just fix it.. Dan – Customer Service

We hate to be arrogant, but Dan could be the single most current and knowledgeable person on how to actually run a business in any state. AND, you can get this resource with one phone call or email.

Steve L.L.C.A. – Leather Lint Cleaner Adjuster

Bio: Steve is incompetent at showing up to work. Every office has a Steve. You know; that guy you notice at the office every now and then and wonder what he does or accomplishes? Steve shows up when he feels like it and we often wonder if he actually works here. Steve – Customer Service

Ever get an email that you know came from a subcontracted support team oversees? Steve's emails are amazing. His answers are so clear, that it almost confuses you to not be confused.

Arielle T.D.S.D.I. – Tasmanian Devil Self Defense Instructor

Bio: Arielle is incompetent at desk clarity. She enjoys riddling her desk with debris and other fanciful items such as soy bean skins, mutilated paper clips, several thousand sticky notes, and of course white out. Her inability to maintain a clean work space is merely her way of rebelling against the strict formalities she must adhere to when filing your paperwork with every state on a daily basis Arielle – Customer Service

Speed, precision, intelligence.. If your legal paperwork is your self defense, you want our TDSDI on your side.

Gilly F.N.L.H.A. – Free Non Legal Help Advisor

Bio: Gilly is our absentminded free legal help department manager. Any question starting with, "I’m not looking for free legal advice, but I’d like to set up an LLC and hide assets from my soon to be divorced wife and want it to be legal can you help?", gets transferred directly to Gilly, our incompetent crazy phone call manager. We enjoy watching her bang her head against the wall and hopelessly explain that fraudulently transferring assets isn’t really a good idea, and hopefully coral that energy into hiring us to form their LLC. We think if we ignore Gilly’s anxiety attacks, it’s not really a problem. Gilly – Customer Service

Grumpy? Scared? Anxious? You won't be after a pleasant conversation with Gilly.

Debbie C.S.W.W.B. – Chief Idiotic State Worker Accountability Whistle Blower

Bio: Debbie is eternally incompetent at facing the reality that 55% of the world uses Internet Explorer and probably always will. Debbie is why a lot of our website makes sense. It's pretty black or white with Debbie. If we write crappy explanations and information for our clients, she usually pins us against the wall and annoying asks us to explain it better and not contradict ourselves. If only Debbie kept her own standards to her own work on our forms. In her mind, just making things work in Firefox seems to be an acceptable end product. Unfortunately, we are forced to keep smashing her pipe dream of Firefox being main stream and bringing her back to the reality of her stuff needing to work in IE. Debbie – Customer Service

If you're having an Aha moment on this website, it's because of Debbie.

Jerry C.S.M.M. – Chief Shredder Mechanic Millwright

Bio: Jerry is downright hopeless at resisting the begging of Moose, the office dog. Jerry doesn't care that Moose is 4 pounds and can't eat what normal dogs eat. Jerry doesn't care that Moose can't poop for a day after he feeds him his lunch leftovers and vomits when he goes home because of the crap Jerry feeds him. It's like a drug dealer/addict relationship. Neither one thinking about the repercussions of their fun times. Jerry – Customer Service

Licensed to carry & armed with a notary, this is the guy you want in your office.

Jennifer O.R.R.P. – Manager Of The Office Redundant Redundancies Procedures

Bio: Jennifer is incompetent at knowing when to not be nice to callers. We often wonder where Jennifer has been for 45 minutes, only to find her still on the phone with a rude caller, and a deer in the headlights look, wondering how to escape. We often find Jennifer peacefully grinding through a redundant task of actually keeping our business running. Upon being overworked, she pulls in additional redundancy backup crews to redundantly grind out redundant activities. Jennifer – Customer Service

Jennifer is amazing. There's no other way to put it. Your business and ours is better because of her involvement.

Eric S.I.A. – Structural Post Holder And Integrity Analyst Of The Posts Integrity Analyst

Bio: Eric often can be found leaning on the posts, walls, chairs, desks, and poles. Eric passionately tests the structural integrity of items in the office. We often find ourselves needing to communicate to Eric via flow charts. Eric is actually the only staff member we have that requires an easel with an oversized drawing board directly next to his desk for us to write on. Email? No, flow chart on easel please. Eric – Customer Service

This guy could seriously take down your website in 5 minutes. Eric is your momma grizzly bear, your data is Eric's cubs.

Cody J.L.S.O. – Journeyman Light Switch Operator

Bio: When Cody shows up to work, most of you on the East Coast are already finding a train to head home on. Cody usually gets the crap that has accumulated all day long while normal people work, dumped on his desk, and we find him aimlessly scrambling around the office trying to accomplish something before the afternoon turns to evening, and the evening turns to night. Between welding our desks, replacing our thermostats, and taking your calls, the Codeman gets all the junk done that everyone else overlooks or can't do. If you find us complaining about our email not working or phones not transferring, it is Cody's firewall and server incompetence creeping back into the picture. Cody – Customer Service

Cody is the essence of our company. Real world answers by real people.

Matt D.C.E. – Document Filer Coordinator Engineer Of State Bureaucracy Coordinations

Bio: Uhhhhhh... Who's Matt again? Matt – Customer Service

This much knowledge and skill and we don't charge extra for it? That's how we roll. No nickel and dime fees.