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Yes Greasy Mustache Hipster Barista Man – you make a good americano

I tried the new Vault coffee shop in CDA about 4:30 to wake up for a drive back to Spokane. I asked if the coffee was fresh, and a friendly little hipster mustache barista man truthfully informed me that it wasn’t. They close in a half hour, and they have not taken the Starbucks stance that there should always be a fresh cup of coffee if you actually have a coffee shop.  I was immediately drawn to this little hipster mustache man for his honesty and integrity to a fellow hot coffee enthusiast as myself. Thank you hipster man, for not serving me a warm cup of coffee. You know that’s crap, and thanks for not doing it. So he said, “I make a killer americano dude”. I looked at him in silence for a few seconds. This claim has been made to me many times before, but this little hipster has quite the greasy mustache. I find myself thinking that this hipster looks familiar, like he was one of the resident hipsters at the last coffee house to reside at 4th and Sherman. I remember there was an epic period of hipster barista men at Java, but I thought all the hardcore hipsters went to Coeur in Spokane, but maybe this little hipstery guy was one of those hipsters?

My first reaction to an offer of “We’re too cheap to always have hot coffee at a coffee house” how about an americano is 99.99% of the time absolutely not. I like my coffee chewy. I like to practically chew that slurp. Strong, bold, smooth, not bitter, but practically chewy. Americanos seem watered down to me, and never really do the trick. Plus I need more caffeine than an americano has in it.

But as many thoughts went through my head in these two seconds, I remembered the email I had read while waiting in line from my IP attorney. It went something like, “Yes, this person could sue you for that, as anyone always can, but their attorney is going to have a hard time backing up the complaint, and you’ll have a fairly easy time defending it.”  Then the kicker part, I really remembered. He said “I’d let it ride”. What a fascinating comment from an attorney. I never hear my attorney say “Let it ride”. So this day was special to me. Usually my attorney says something like “take that crap down right away, what on earth is wrong with you”. So I said, yes you greasy mustache hipster killer americano barista. I’ll take an americano, although I probably won’t like it, I’ll let it ride and give you a shot.

I told him I didn’t really like americanos, but maybe his will be awesome. Then it happened. Mustache hipster barista man, started getting technical with me. He said why don’t you like americanos. I told him they seem watery to me and I can’t chew them. He looked at me with a deer in the headlight look. Asked me how I made my coffee, and I told him I do pour overs. And then he went off a cliff going into details of what kind of pour over i make. I said, slow down there with that snobbery hipsterness. I just freaking pour water over some coffee into a cup. He kept digging, and i had to pull out the hipster fly swatter to beat this little hipster barista away from my unsophisticated coffee making bubble. Dude!, I pour some water over the freaking coffee grinds, and it goes into a cup. Don’t get all snobby with me man! I internally laughed as he was doing some weird stuff with this killer americano making protocol, that I suspect doesn’t do anything. But it was a good americano. Not killer, but Mr Hipster Greasy Mustache Barista Man. It was the best americano I’ve had in a long time. So thank you for indulging me in hipster coffee snobbery for a good americano. Keep working on the killer part though. You’ve not quite earned your hipster barista stripes yet to make a killer one. I would encourage you to go on a hipster sabbatical to San Francisco and live on the streets for a couple weeks drinking nothing but coffee to stay alive and watching coffee making there. Literally, starve yourself for two weeks of actual food, only travel to as many coffee houses as possible in San Fran and survive on coffee alone. This is what’s needed to take you to the next level. Taking you from good to killer americanos.

On a side note, what an epic screwup that Java would spend 20 years training the entire world of CDA visitors and tourists to come to 4th and Sherman for coffee, and then vacate it to go 5 blocks up. Amazingly stupid.

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