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What is a Kicking Unicorn?

Northwest Registered Agent today announced it has achieved Kicking Unicorn status, a new classification for billion dollar company valuations. A Kicking Unicorn is a privately-owned company that has no investors and no debt—and that says it’s worth at least 1 billion dollars because it says so.

Northwest Kicking Unicorn

“2021 was a watershed year for our company,” said Odinn Mimir, Senior VP of the PromulGater Platform, Northwest’s cutting edge entity management platform. “We grew like we were going to win something if we kept growing, and we didn’t borrow a dime to make it happen. Eventually, we were like, Where are we going? What are we doing? Why should we care that our competitors can lose 400 million dollars in 10 years, go public, and somehow wipe it all out? That was the seed from which the Kicking Unicorn grew.”

The Kicking Unicorn is a new status symbol highlighting stability and doing business the right way versus growth at all costs.

Kicking Unicorn companies resemble the Unicornis—otherwise known as “Common Unicorns”—because they are also valued at $1 billion or more, but Kicking Unicorns do not rely on angel investors, seed investors, venture capitalists, debt financing, the Illuminati, Series G funding, IPOs, or any similar occult forces to spur their growth. A Kicking Unicorn’s $1 billion valuation, moreover, is projected based on the company’s current finances and the company saying it’s worth 1 billion dollars because it says so, while valuations for the standard common Unicorn is determined by investors just saying what the company might be worth after their loan investment comes due many years later—because a bunch of investors said so.

“We just took a look at our finances,” said Sandy Narwal, Northwest’s Senior VP of Finance and a key Thought Leader in the creation of the Kicking Unicorn, “and decided there wasn’t any reason we shouldn’t be worth $1 billion at some undisclosed point in the future. I mean, inflation alone might be enough to do it, amirite?”

As the world’s first Kicking Unicorn, Northwest hopes to inspire like-minded companies to claim Kicking Unicorn status and help promote an image of success that is fiscally responsible and customer-centric—not obsessed with rapid growth, IPOs, acquisitions, or buy-outs designed mainly to benefit investors. “We’d rather clean port-o-potties than do business like that,” said Mimir. “Not wiping them down. That would suck. But if we could just stick the long pipe in the hole and suck it out—we’d rather do that.”

“Right,” said Narwal. “There really are ways to run a next-level company without duping your employees and stakeholders into selling their souls—only to see their shares get diluted to the point of worthlessness with each new round of investment paying for the previous years of blowing the last cash infusion. Taking care of customers. Treating employees right. All of that should be cause for excitement, too.”

Northwest is confident that some day the world will wake up and realize there’s more to doing business than making investors rich, and at that point the Kicking Unicorn’s rare, near-mythical status might become newsworthy, too. Until then, said Narwal, “Our Head Maintenance Engineer is feverishly installing an attaboy shelf at our headquarters, and we’re hoping to pay some super-fringe trade group magazine to give us a ‘best of’ award to place right next to our Kicking Unicorn trophy.”

“Don’t forget the bell,” said Mimir. “We’re installing it down by the river. We want to ring our own bell every day, not just once like LegalZoom or Wolters Kluwer (CT). Maybe we’ll even hire a celebrity endorser, start buying up fake reviews, and inundate Google with weird press releases.”

“I sure hope not,” said Sandy Narwal.

About Northwest Registered Agent

Founded in 1998, Northwest is a Corporate Guide Service with 550 employees nationwide and offices in every state. Northwest is famous among literally no one—and when we say no one, we mean not one person—for 100% bootstrapping its way to having over 2 million active subscriptions and throwing down twice as many filings as the famous websites every month, all without a single employee with “marketing” in their job title.

Northwest takes pride in its commitment to Privacy by Default®, which ensures that client data is never sold—ever. That’s doing business the right way.

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